love, Ruth Nineke

What I Was Too Afraid To Relinquish

Post Published: January 14, 2024
A preview from my book, HATI-HATI

The only connection two fucked up people can possibly share is in fucking temporarily. And when you’re as deeply flawed and overly pretentious as both of us are the initial attraction eventually gives way to resentment and revulsion. Two screwed up people, pretending and striving to be functional and happy, can spot the bullshit and phoniness in each other faster than anyone else.

We know each other well because we’re the same. So whatever we hate in ourselves we double hate in the other.

And whatever we think we lack we double despise the other for possessing. Fucked up people who want to be functional and happy, and who want love, know they’re not going to reach it with someone like them.

In _______’s ideal world everyone loves and adores him, all of the time; his girl, especially and always.

Also, he can never be wrong.

And that’s just so plainly, illogical, unrealistic, and unreasonable. No one’s perfect.

I’m super flawed, we all are.

We absolve one another daily, by choice; friends, lovers, co-workers, neighbors, strangers. We decide what and whom we will and won’t let slide.

But I can’t give absolution to someone who can’t ever stop the merry-go-round long enough to see another person’s emotional point of view. It’s pointless and foolish to do so.
I won’t lie though. In ways I wanted to.
I imagined if I was built of more solid, well-adjusted emotional fortitude that I could blow off his behavior.

While I saw it and I wanted to exercise the kind of enduring goodness that could withstand how actually wild he is, I’m just not that person.

I’m too wounded in my own ways. It takes so very much for me to let people get and stay close to me, that sacrificing my comfort for his self-indulgence seemed dangerously absurd.
I know the flaws of being human. He would never be able to stop himself from playing on my insecurities and fears of abandonment. Even if he never meant to hurt me. Because he would only see the folly in my inability to trust and let go and he would endlessly mock and tease me for it.

Or maybe he wouldn’t, you know. Maybe he’s so much better than that. (People are rarely better than that. We exploit one another’s weaknesses subconsciously. We can’t fucking help it.)

But all I can see now is that I could never have trusted him to be satisfied.

He would always need more attention. He’d always need to prove to me that any and everyone else could give him what I was too afraid to relinquish.

Still, I was enchanted by the challenge of _______.
The challenge wasn’t to make him love me. I knew that wasn’t in the cards.

_______ needs a woman who is more than sexually dependent on him. He’s the kind of man that needs to be relied upon and valued for his ability, character, and wisdom.

And there isn’t anything wrong with that.

Read more of my reflections, dreams, and poetry when your order your copy of HATI-HATI here

 

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