What Do You Want? (It’s Not That Simple)

Post Published: March 19, 2023  

Kittens, my loves, my besties, my friends, foes, and fans:

I would like to give you context but what I’m going to do is just tell it how it comes and let you meander with me through the ideas, and piece together for yourself.

Last night I went out with a man I’m insanely attracted to. I was immediately attracted to him the first time I saw him. The way I’m always immediately attracted to a man I have thing with. Because I never have a thing unless I get the pull.

And last night he asked me a bunch of questions about what I want most in life, and when I felt my best, and why don’t I give into my power? A bunch of stuff that I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) allow myself to truthfully answer in the moment. You see my intuition had locked me up. I know all the things I want. I want so many things. You could say:

What do I want?? Where do even I begin?

One does not simply, casually answer this question inside the chocolate shop in the middle of some toursity street at 8:30 on a Saturday night just because the handsome Capricorn Venus before you is hinting that wants to get deeper.

But today, this morning, and this afternoon I have a clearer understanding of what I truly want. I want unshakable confidence, and trust in myself. I want a steady knowledge – in myself, in the unfolding of the life/my life/ the Universe’s revelations, etc.

If I think about it, I do have confidence and trust in myself. And I do have some knowledge of the unfolding of the Universe’s revelations. I know it will always reveal – in time – and it will always do so clearly, because I know how to listen to it. But sometimes, my confidence is shaky. And often I doubt that I’m making the “right” decision. Of course, it’s easy to say “everything works out in the end,” or “everything happens for a reason.” But these are cliches until you actually reach your personal place of knowing.

And it is a journey to the knowing.

I want to be steady in my knowing. I want to not crumble into my throat chakra, as the water of my well rises up in fear. I want to speak things into existence. I want to be unafraid of loss. I want to be passionate and indifferent to getting everything else I want – the material, the physical, the un-real, the Maya, the illusion.

I want to feel free and capable and really feel INSIDE my OWN power.

I don’t want to feel acted upon, or dependent, or manipulated. I don’t want to feel like I’m being used to feed someone else’s ego. I don’t want to feel like my energy is a treasure for someone else to unlock for themselves.

I want to feel proud of my own achievements, truly satisfied by my own efforts.

And lately, with work, and this fucking ankle (that’s apparently the cornerstone of this chapter of my life) I haven’t felt proud of myself. I haven’t felt true confidence in my own abilities or efforts.

I’ve felt myself holding myself back.

Ever since Paul, and then Russian number 1, and that short-lived fiasco with the Belgian, AND THEN THE ANKLE, I’ve just felt very very very extremely nervous of moving too fast toward anything. But I miss the feeling of motion. I miss my own HIGH ENERGY. I miss being aggressive and powerful and manifesting outcomes. I miss MAKING THINGS HAPPEN.

I want to feel strong and powerful and energetic and forceful again. I want to feel free and invincible. And lately I am feeling trapped by my own fear.

But I also keep feeling like I’m still in the healing phase. I keep feeling like it’s almost done, I’m almost there. I almost understand the lesson. I have almost received the gift of the knowledge for this part of the story.

But I still have some more to go. I have to open myself up to the “game of life” in my own way, in my own time. Sure, I want to trust other people. I want to be able to take chances with them. But if we don’t learn the lesson, the Universe will just keep throwing it at us. And I have learned that lesson, about sliding and gliding and letting someone who doesn’t actually want to give me what I truly want give me less.

I’ll figure it out. I mean, I think I’ve already figured out a great bunch in a very short amount of time between the hot chocolate and the yoga class. Anyway, I do think every lover is a little bit more rewarding than the last. So as long as they each give me a little bit of knowledge for the road ahead, that’s fine too.


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