Weekend Reflections: Nobody Knows Me
Originally Published: January 26th, 2015. Restored via The Internet Archive
*Deep breath. Dramatic sigh*
Girl. Where do I begin? I feel like it’s really, really important to preface this post with the admission that I’m madly in love with myself (as anyone who’s worth a damn at living should be) and I’m very happy with how and where my life is going. So there’s that.
Lately (read: Always) I’ve given a lot of thought to who I want to spend time, who I’m willing to allow close to me, which bonds I’m willing to strengthen. My reflections have increasingly yielded diminishing returns. I’ve culled and trimmed so much of my social circle that it’s to the point where I spend very little time with others, no one is close enough to know for sure what’s going on with me, and the bonds that require the least work (read: deciphering, prompting, urging) are the only ones remaining.
If it sounds very Simon & Garfunkel, that’s because it is. And, naturally, it’s also very Aquarius of me. Look, let’s face it: People are not perfect. Gods are perfect. People are human and humans are bitter, manipulative, petty, and weak. I am, unfortunately, a people. So there’s no exception here.
I’m aware of how absurd the things that I say sound.
Like for instance: I completely understand that getting hurt is a natural part of the process of being a human, because humans hurt one another and nobody’s perfect. Still, I want no parts.
If emotions were currency, then I have an abundance. I make some bad investments but I still have plenty. I consider my emotions gold. And I’m swimming in them. And since I’m rich like that everybody wants to get in good with me. (Not really, at all. A lot of people don’t like me. And good for them, really.) However just because I’ve got a bunch of emotions doesn’t mean I need to go around investing them everywhere to everyone who smiles and says I look nice today, or tells me they love the shit I say. I will pass on the cinnamon, sugary, and softly spoken lies. Besides, my ego is full up, thanks.
I’m just not interested in providing emotional security to emotionally dependent people. Because I’m not interested in being emotionally dependent on anyone. And actually it’s very considerate of me not put myself and others in emotionally unfulfilling situations (or to stop them as early as I can). Having people depend on me is exhausting and I don’t like it. I give the love I can, everything else is extra.
People who get butt hurt over getting deleted on Facebook need to reevaluate their lives.
Girl. There is no possible way you can dress this up to me wherein you make me and our “friendship” out to be so important that being deleted from an online friends list hurt you so much that you could not speak to me in real life about what our friendship meant to you. Basically, we are not actually friends. So chill out.
The only time it can almost sort of matter that someone deletes you on Facebook is when you used to date/fuck and either one of you has said and meant “I love you” to the other while either one, or both, of you was naked. Otherwise, get your shit together and consider the fact that you actually don’t want to be friends with me because I actually don’t like you. Consider that.
Dude, people are weak sauce.
When I was younger most people fascinated me. I didn’t fully understand that what appeared to be intricacies to their personality were actually webs of façade hiding the very bland and common cowardice that defines nearly everyone. (<—– here, I think is some irony. Maybe? I can’t tell anymore what’s projection or reflection.)
In the past ten years, give or take, I’ve learned that most people are not only 1,000% out for themselves, but they are also almost completely averse to the truth. I’m not even talking allergic, like oh maybe the truth makes them uncomfortable and their throats itch or their eyes water. People avoid the truth like it’s poison – which, to most of them I suppose it is.
People will blog, and people will march, and people will write statuses and books, and have fundraisers as they do – in the name of justice, and unity, and freedom, and civil liberties etc. In the macro that looks great on paper right. Like, oh, people care! No they don’t. Because in the micro – in people’s personal lives and the lives of their neighbors and friends people will not call busll shit, speak out, stand up, or walk away. Because people are weak.
People are afraid to disrupt what is, and I mean really disrupt what is, because they are afraid of what is not a.k.a the unknown. And all the unknown actually is is the truth – power and strength untapped. Weak people don’t believe they’re strong enough to create new situations or to survive without old ones. So even if they do disrupt, they do so mildly, passively. They wait for others to make the mess, to set the fires, to launch the boulders and to lead the way.
Props to Leaders
Props especially to the megalomaniacs. If you’ve got it (power), and you’re getting it then keep it and get some more. And why not? People are weak. They throw away their power every day. They throw it at megalomaniacs. They practically beg other people to push, prod, poke and prop them up. People need leaders because people don’t know how to lead themselves. And somewhere along the road of human history some lying-ass motherfucker (probably Satan, he is real) told people that they needed to be led.
I don’t need anyone that’s a people. All I need, all I’ve ever really needed – the reason I’m alive – is to find God and live there in the center of my crazy little peace. I like who I like. I keep what I like in my life and rest is expelled. Maybe when I become a better people, a stronger, more virtuous human I will learn to need and play nice with others. Till then… Madonna
