love, Ruth Nineke

To heal without admitting

Post Published: March 10, 2024

I am trying to heal without admitting that I’m in pain.

I’m reminded of when I broke my ankle and the French guy stopped to sit with me and call the ambulance. I kept pleading, shouting for him to just put it back in. Just put it back.

As my foot hung, dangled to the left of of my leg, because the bones of my ankle were broken in three places. And he assured me he couldn’t do that because it was broken.

And he said I was in shock. But sure okay.

And today. On a fine Sunday in the beginning part of March, am I in shock now as well?

Am I in denial? I think not.
I have nothing to deny.

Things have hurt me. I have felt pain. I would like now to feel other things.

I do not believe I should still be in pain. I do not believe I should still feel sad.

But it’s not sadness I feel. While sadness may seep out from my eyes in brief and quiet spells, it’s mostly fear and indignation which fill me.

I am not in pain. Or if I am, I guess it’s too much to bear so maybe I am in denial. Maybe emotional shock.

Leave me alone! I bellow within to the videos my mind plays back at me. To the illusions and dreams, to the fantasies on alternate timelines, on different planes of reality, in farther reaches of the Universe that I am yet unable to materialize.

The tapes running on loop in the recesses of this mind; an action adventure murder mystery of my own design.

And there she goes.

Right up to a point. Because past this point there is surely only pain.

And I refuse to feel that. I adamantly refuse to be subjected to that ever again. And so I press rewind for a moment or two and then I remind myself that so long as I go first I can never be left behind.


 

Tell me what you think before we both die

 

 


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