love, Ruth Nineke

Melancholy In May

Post Published: January 11, 2024
A preview from my book, HATI-HATI

I’m still melancholy. I may be here a while. I think that I want to be here a while. I really want, for now, to just be alone with myself and my thoughts, and fears, and pain, and dreams, and hope. I want to heal myself and not look for that fixing from other people.

It’s okay, I think, that I will like other people but I really don’t want to get swept up and carried away anymore. I want something real and stable and lasting. I know I don’t want to be alone forever but I also don’t want to settle for something that isn’t fulfilling or enriching me.

I just feel very exposed and very in need and very bruised. I’m afraid in some ways of my own love, because I don’t know how pure it is. I don’t know how good my love is, or how sustaining, because I’m stuck to these failures.

It’s okay though, I guess, that the things don’t last, because that’s just how life goes.
But it still really hurts me to lose. And even though I know I shouldn’t dwell too much I don’t want to ignore my emotions either.

I’m sorry for how things went with Bunny.
I shouldn’t have just vanished on her, but I needed to leave and I needed to listen to myself, and trust my own instincts. I’m just leaning toward this place of guarding myself; like heavy, heavy guarding. I don’t want to distrust everyone forever, but I also do not want to let just anybody in.

I realize my exclusivity is going to be isolating and that it’s a dangerous balance I may not achieve. I realize I’m risking a permanently lonely life if I don’t figure out how to stop pushing people away and running from my own deeper feelings.

I’m okay with the risk.

 

Read more of my reflections, dreams, and poetry when your order your copy of HATI-HATI here

 

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