love, Ruth Nineke

Life is the episode

Post Published: June 20, 2022

I really didn’t want to have one of those Instagrams that’s just full of selfies because I always think there is so much else to photograph than one’s own face. Yet, here we are.

Listen this is the update: A month ago I got triggered so fucking hard I fell back into a depression like I hadn’t felt in over a decade. I mean that terrible desperate kind, where even your intelligence leads you to believe nothing has a purpose.

I ran. I did yoga. I tried a breathwork and cut out early because of emotional overload. Then I tried breathwork again and even during that exercise I felt that overwhelming pointlessness.

But crying is good because you always feel this lightness afterward.

And that brings me to this selfie. A thought I had a few weeks ago was that one does not simply see the light without trying to stand in its glow.

So you know pain, and experience and our wretched, uncontrollable emotions are always going to be there. Like they are in fact inescapable – unless yr enlightened which then yr probably not on the gram. 

But also what is always there is the light. Always.

I knew I would get out of the episode. I just didn’t know when or how. But there’s the possibility still that Life is the eternal episode.

I’m not depressed right now, and the weeks have been better. But what I really want to say is thank you to the good ones and to everyone who shows compassion to others, and everyone who honors space, and everyone who tries.

Thank you for being. Also, full moon is tonight so it’s a ripe time to put down the pain. (Also also the moon is aligned with the center of our galaxy, so google that.) ✨

Originally posted to Instagram June 17, 2019


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