I Don’t Want To
I don’t want to keep running after people, or away from my own feelings of inadequacy, behind the personalities of other women I feel like I have to emulate in order to be loved.
I’m tired of feeling like I have to do so much to live/exist. I’m tired of feeling like I’m always pretending around other people so I can be accepted. I’m tired of feeling like my role is to boost and prop other people up, to give them energy and life.
I’m tired of losing my own energy, you know?
I have very specific ideals and dreams for myself and I feel like I do compromise them often because of the subconscious fear of being unworthy, and so I try to be what I think other people want me to be so they will love me and I don’t know anymore which projections are mine or where they’re coming from.
But now I’m ready for clear borders.
If I feel disrespected or inferior or uncomfortable or even a hint of distrust I’m detaching myself and stopping.
I don’t care anymore to endure weird energy or explore other people’s stuff, or look for the lesson in the tension. My curiosity and efforts to comprehend other people and our interactions is fucking exhausting.
