No big deal friends, I’m only over-thinking everything everyday. Fixating, as it were, on the downside. Indulging my own fancies then…
What if I just let myself be free to feel whatever I feel and to change my feelings without guilting myself over being human?
The thing is I was interested in Roman since the Italian girl was here. WHO knows when that was but then he also did tell me I had a nice singing voice. Which is one way to flirt with me, because only a very few people (possibly hearing-impaired) think I have a nice singing voice?
So I mean VIBES WERE THROWN. Subtly, casually, innocently, but sure the vibes were thrown.
And I don’t need to over analyze anyone’s intentions or anyone’s ability to do anything. I only need to worry about myself.
But I do actually have to be honest with myself about Victor. And I also need to be honest with him.
The other thing is I want to bone down on Roman something intoxicating and I don’t want to stop the intoxication at all. I want to be IN THAT. SHIFT (typo but it stays) I wanna be ALL up in that.
And I’m definitely trying to downplay it as just sexual. But I also feel (and fear) that the vibes – at least on my end – are more than physical. I super enjoy talking with him and I’m easily vulnerable with him – which is something that’s a little scary, but also feels good.
It feels like I could be emotional with him and he could hold space for me. And that’s an inviting and refreshing interaction to have with a man because I don’t know that I ever really felt like I could be vulnerable and emotional with anyone else (aside from Victor). It’s funny that I would have that with both of them so easily and quickly, one after the other. Maybe that has more to do with my own growth than either of them?
And all that’s done now is increase the general physical attraction I had. Now it’s amplified, automatic, and exacerbated by my period but also by his personality.
And the intoxication of it makes me want to talk with him more and feel his body’s vibration in any proximity.
And now what I feel most for Victor is remorse. Because I don’t know that I ever truly felt how he felt. I also don’t know what he truly felt?? I know what he said, but could I believe those things about myself?
Maybe that’s a part of it. I went along with it anyway because it felt nice to be so adored.
And of course we got along wonderfully. There’s no question of that. It did feel very intense. And the comfort and ease of being with him tugged apart a need within me that I’d kept sewn up and suppressed.
The need was for connection. For love. The need for acceptance, to feel welcomed by someone for who I am, and again the need for love.
But you know you spend so long putting yourself back together from things that cut you up. And you make the effort to cultivate your personal resilience against abandonment, loss, and pain. And it reaches the point where you forget your truly affectionate nature, because it was that nature that blinded you in the past.
And so you forget how it feels to bloom in the love of another.
And Victor reminded me what that was like. And it reminded me that I am loveable and also deserving of love. But equally so we’re all deserving of honesty.
And so I’m just trying to be honest with myself, about how I feel and what I feel. Even when it spins me upside down and all over. And also I’m practicing being honest with others about my feelings in real time.
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Tell me what you think before we both die
