Originally posted to Facebook April 20, 2020
On a personal note:
I had a dream that I was friends with Drake but he found me really problematic and friend-dumped me really condescendingly, via a voicemail that was played on speaker while some mean girl filmed the whole thing. Let me tell you, ouch!
And it put in perspective for me how all my twitter ranting and screenshot sharing, and how easiy I cut ppl out of my life might make them feel. Bc in my dream I didn’t know what I did that was so problematic. He had been distant, and some of his tone was hard to read…
But I didn’t know what I had done.
I woke up with just the worst and saddest feeling. Bc I had really loved being friends with Drake in my dream. Also really love his music and always get so motivated by it.
And immediately I was like oh, this is what that feels like… Actually.
But also, I’m not open to inviting anyone I’ve let go back in. Bc I respect the message and vibe that I take away from Drake’s music. So in dreamworld, he’s representing a strength I admire in myself.
But I’m also learning an empathy for others, and maybe there’s a better way I can handle ending things that doesn’t involve me puffing my chest out or exposing details and exacerbating drama.
So that happened.
In the past year I’ve cut a few people out – and maybe a little passive-aggressively, but also not entirely.
I’ve never ever just shut out someone who I once felt close too. I always use my words. Sometimes those words come in a flurry. People are thrown off by my intensity – because it comes in hot, after I’ve reached a point. Sometimes my delivery is cold and precise. This can also sting and stun people.
Every single time I have used my words.
I’m learning that I have to speak up even quicker, and more honestly right when my feelings are hurt. I don’t like to do this because the past has taught me that people tend to try and downplay my emotions. I’m also learning that people just don’t want to feel responsible for other’s feelings. It’s a heavy burden to become aware that what you do and say can strongly affect other people.
I know, because this is another reason why I cut so many people off. I don’t want that responsibility.
I don’t regret letting anyone go, or even the people I’ve had to push out the door to my life. I trust my instincts, everytime. But I do regret the how.
I’ve learned something in all this – to be even MORE honest and to do it clearly and loudly, but also compassionately. It’s true that people don’t listen, but I think I could also communicate better, earlier. Instead of noticing things that don’t sit right and still giving extra chances. In that way, I’ve led so many people on – believing our friendship was fine and growing, while I’d already emotionally and energetically exited.
Anyway, I know there are a few people who will find this and know it’s about them. Thank you for our time together. I’ve learned and I’ve grown (I think) and I can only hope you’re able to find something positive and useful from out time together.
I wish you all the best, but remember: Leave me alone.
Tell me what you think before we both die